What if?
Just as Marvel has advertised, a parallel universe which shows the converse of everything we know to be true, “What if?, is a questions that ebbs through our minds daily but, unconsciously. Throughout life, we go through countless phases. We see old dreams being converted into new, perhaps better ones. Old faces vanish and new ones appear, but only for brief moments. Through this, we too must change. However, there is one small aspect of moving on that always prevents us from looking ahead. “What if?” What if I hadn’t done this? What if I had? In this post we’ll touch upon how the decisions we make, as well as the events that take place in our day-to-day lives affect our outlook of life in the long run.
Perhaps being, simultaneously, the worst and best pair of words to exist; “What if?”, implies the sense of longing, or even regret. If I’d done this or that differently. What if I’d done it this way, or that way? What if this hadn’t happened? Would I still be here? What if I hadn’t met them? Regret is the emotion of wishing one had made a different decision in the past, because the consequences of the decision were thought to be unfavourable to one’s current circumstances. Regret is related to perceived opportunity. Whether or not a change in our actions would have led to a positive outcome. Unfortunately, it’s not a question we can answer. When we ask ourselves “What if?”, we’re holding onto the past, instead of allowing ourselves room for change, and growth. Having regrets is human nature. The very definition of regret is sadness that is especially caused by something that is out of one’s control. Something we can’t help. Take betrayal for example. Something completely unpredictable yet when we go through it, we sit there and blame ourselves? Insensitivity runs rampant and people will prioritize a temporary connection over one they’ve had with you simply because it is useful to them. If you are of no use to someone, that in no way decreases your own worth. The only thing we can do, is change the narrative. If we can choose to look past the mistakes of others, we can do the same for ourselves too. Fix the root of regret before it turns into fruitless rumination or self-blame. By switching the narrative, and taking back the ball from the court of self-doubt, we can look past everything that’s happened and focus on what’s ahead. What if this was best for me? What if I was being guided in the direction that was nothing but the best for my future? Dwelling on the past has never brought any good. Instead of beating ourselves up about everything we could have done, know that you did your best. If something is adamant on leaving your life, it’s not meant to stay. Grief is a powerful emotion that causes us to weigh the loss we’ve experienced on our shoulders alone. Whether the loss is permanent or temporary, a person, or a dream; perhaps a life we could have lived had we been born under different circumstances. You can’t force something that wasn’t meant for you. The emotions we feel due to betrayal, heartache, loss, grief, are what make us human. Feel them, but also know when it’s time to cut the rope. Most importantly, do not EVER blame yourself for experiencing guilt, nor ask yourself what could’ve been. Focus on what could be. The world we live in is such; if someone sees you drowning, not only will they leave you to drown, but probably push you deeper under water. The decisions we make, whether they may be minute, or life-changing, alter the trajectory of our life. However, there is no saying that the alternate would have been more favourable than the present. No matter how bleak the situation may seem, the thread of decisions we’ve made, or events that have happened, has led to the best possible outcome. Perhaps there’s a you in a parallel universe that has everything present you has every wanted; Is there a guarantee that they’re content? Every betrayal, grievance, hurt, loss, and failure has made us into a better version of ourselves. Sometimes though, certain events are not meant to teach us anything. They just happen and there is no explanation necessary. Not everything is a lesson. That thread of thought is simply left untethered; If unprocessed feelings have you stuck in a rut, make sure you’re not suppressing them, but letting them out. Always remember you are doing the best that you can physically can under your circumstances, and only you can question yourself. Likewise, don’t hinder someone else’s journey just because you’re not happy with your own. You may feel as if your kindness barely matters as compared to the cruelty of so many, but every drop, makes up an ocean. |
How COVID-19 related anxiety impacts the mental health of students
2020, as we all know, was an extremely emotionally nerve-wracking period for us all. However the worst is not over. The physicality of this pandemic seems to be masking the emotional pandemic that follows it and may in fact, have been uprooted by it. Feelings run high, and the truth is, we don’t know how or what to feel. Every second of uncertainty that passes makes us more vulnerable to spiral out into an overwhelming pattern of dread.
As students; it’s even worse. We’re drowning under the weight of dealing with the pandemic along with schoolwork. For most of us, life as we know it, was an escape; waking up in the morning with somewhere to go to; the idea of seeing people outside of the four walls within our own homes; human interaction; it’s what drove us. It was an escape from the thoughts that constantly nag at us day, and night. We followed a routine. We thought we knew what the future held for us. Now that we don’t, we’re struggling. Online classes can be immensely draining (try sitting in the same spot from 8am-3pm) and by the time we’re done, there’s no time left for self-study. Not to mention that when we’re at home, we’re dealing with other things that impact our mental health negatively, which ultimately manifests into how we perform in class, and on tests. The loss of our normal routines makes us anxious as to what path to take which begs the question, what now? With all the negativity we’re exposed to on social media and on the internet in general, it can be hard to stay sane. People who already suffer from anxiety, and other mental health illnesses, tend to distance themselves as an attempt to block out the world, yet the thoughts in our minds always prevail. It’s hard to see the silver lining in the clouds.
Is there a solution?
Every week, students from the mental health society, get together and talk about various issues that affect our mental health, and ultimately, our academics. This week, we chose this topic. Anxiety surrounded COVID-19 and the possibility of a second lockdown. Just when we got out of the first one. As repetitive as it may seem however, there are a few things that can help. We discussed that building a routine allows your mind to follow a specific pattern of activities which keeps it busy and stops it from being either hung over the past, or anxious about the future. To make up for social interaction, we often have online study sessions together with other students which prove very productive and for one sweet second, it feels like everything’s back to normal again. Individual coping mechanisms are also very important; Everyone has different coping mechanisms; We need to make sure we include healthy ones in our daily regime. While unhealthy coping mechanisms may be helpful, but deep down we know they’re harmful in the long term and only serve as temporary pain-blockers. Since everything seems to be out of our control, we must try focusing on the things we can control; the little things. Limit the amount of time you spend on social media, your attitude and mindset towards events that take place in your life. When you can’t control the situation, control your reaction to it; don’t immediately block it out but rather, process it with time. You may find yourself slowly changing for the better.
As students; it’s even worse. We’re drowning under the weight of dealing with the pandemic along with schoolwork. For most of us, life as we know it, was an escape; waking up in the morning with somewhere to go to; the idea of seeing people outside of the four walls within our own homes; human interaction; it’s what drove us. It was an escape from the thoughts that constantly nag at us day, and night. We followed a routine. We thought we knew what the future held for us. Now that we don’t, we’re struggling. Online classes can be immensely draining (try sitting in the same spot from 8am-3pm) and by the time we’re done, there’s no time left for self-study. Not to mention that when we’re at home, we’re dealing with other things that impact our mental health negatively, which ultimately manifests into how we perform in class, and on tests. The loss of our normal routines makes us anxious as to what path to take which begs the question, what now? With all the negativity we’re exposed to on social media and on the internet in general, it can be hard to stay sane. People who already suffer from anxiety, and other mental health illnesses, tend to distance themselves as an attempt to block out the world, yet the thoughts in our minds always prevail. It’s hard to see the silver lining in the clouds.
Is there a solution?
Every week, students from the mental health society, get together and talk about various issues that affect our mental health, and ultimately, our academics. This week, we chose this topic. Anxiety surrounded COVID-19 and the possibility of a second lockdown. Just when we got out of the first one. As repetitive as it may seem however, there are a few things that can help. We discussed that building a routine allows your mind to follow a specific pattern of activities which keeps it busy and stops it from being either hung over the past, or anxious about the future. To make up for social interaction, we often have online study sessions together with other students which prove very productive and for one sweet second, it feels like everything’s back to normal again. Individual coping mechanisms are also very important; Everyone has different coping mechanisms; We need to make sure we include healthy ones in our daily regime. While unhealthy coping mechanisms may be helpful, but deep down we know they’re harmful in the long term and only serve as temporary pain-blockers. Since everything seems to be out of our control, we must try focusing on the things we can control; the little things. Limit the amount of time you spend on social media, your attitude and mindset towards events that take place in your life. When you can’t control the situation, control your reaction to it; don’t immediately block it out but rather, process it with time. You may find yourself slowly changing for the better.
Men's mental health and its impact on society
How is men’s mental health neglected?
When we think of mental health as a whole; what terms come to mind? Having control of your emotions? Quality of life? But why is it, that when one gender expresses emotions as equally as the other, they are scrutinized against? Because men are expected to be tough? At what point did society begin to associate self-expression with weakness? Let’s take a closer look.
Throughout history there have been various examples of men struggling with mental health; artists, singers, actors, with several examples being prevalent even today; they remain in the limelight, and still do not receive any form of support; what happens ultimately? They end their lives. There is very little research in the ways in which men have coped with mental illnesses; due to minimal efforts to combat this. Often times, even when men are diagnosed with a mental health illness, they are reluctant to seek help due to the immense stigma surrounding the subject. They are bound to be hesitant while going to the pharmacy in order to pick up an anti-depressant, or when seeking help from a therapist, in fear of being judged for their “masculinity”. However not talking about it, makes it difficult for people around them to know that something is wrong. In order for men to open up, we must be willing to listen. We must be willing to realize that they are human and feel things just as people of all genders do. They are encouraged to express their feelings. With this, let’s address toxic masculinity.
What is toxic masculinity?
Toxic masculinity is the notion that induces a cultural concept of manliness that glorifies stoicism, strength, virility, and dominance, and that is socially maladaptive or harmful to mental health. In simple words, when boys during their early years, are not encouraged to open up and express themselves, as society believes they must appear “tough”. The problem arises when you associate toughness to bottling up your emotions. The irony being in the fact that expressing your emotions openly, is what requires an immense amount of strength. Common masculine ideals such as social respect, physical strength, and sexual potency become problematic when they set unattainable standards. Falling short can make boys and men insecure and anxious, which might prompt them to use force in order to feel, and be seen as, dominant and in control. Male violence in this scenario doesn’t emanate from something bad or toxic that has crept into the nature of masculinity itself. Rather, it comes from these men’s social and political settings, the particularities of which set them up for inner conflicts over social expectations and male entitlement.
Reducing the stigma
Prolonged periods of suppressing your emotions and not being open about your mental health can result in violence and severe aggression. There are various day-to-day examples of this that we can see around us. Cranky or irrational behavior is common in people who struggle with their mental health.
What you as an individual can do is help to create an environment that encourages self-expression for all.
Men’s mental health is a movement for all. We all have men in our lives, whether they may be brothers, fathers, friends, sons, they have very important roles to play in society. Telling men to open up and express their feelings isn’t enough. We must create an environment that is open and accommodating to everyone’s feelings; we must reassure them that however they are feeling emotionally, is not a representation of their masculinity. Being emotionally expressive is what makes a man tough. Their ability to recognise their emotions in a situation is their strength. People must be more aware of the importance of being open about how you feel, as well as being accepting of others
Society lacks an immense amount of empathy. Empathy is all we need in this world. If we treat other people as we would want to be treated. It’s as simple as that only if you’re willing to learn and educate yourself. Every single person is as deserving of love as the other. No gender is exclusive of it. Men must uplift and support each other. Women must uplift and support men and vice versa. This is how society and in turn, the world progresses; when we realise that at the end of the day, we’re all human.
How is men’s mental health neglected?
When we think of mental health as a whole; what terms come to mind? Having control of your emotions? Quality of life? But why is it, that when one gender expresses emotions as equally as the other, they are scrutinized against? Because men are expected to be tough? At what point did society begin to associate self-expression with weakness? Let’s take a closer look.
Throughout history there have been various examples of men struggling with mental health; artists, singers, actors, with several examples being prevalent even today; they remain in the limelight, and still do not receive any form of support; what happens ultimately? They end their lives. There is very little research in the ways in which men have coped with mental illnesses; due to minimal efforts to combat this. Often times, even when men are diagnosed with a mental health illness, they are reluctant to seek help due to the immense stigma surrounding the subject. They are bound to be hesitant while going to the pharmacy in order to pick up an anti-depressant, or when seeking help from a therapist, in fear of being judged for their “masculinity”. However not talking about it, makes it difficult for people around them to know that something is wrong. In order for men to open up, we must be willing to listen. We must be willing to realize that they are human and feel things just as people of all genders do. They are encouraged to express their feelings. With this, let’s address toxic masculinity.
What is toxic masculinity?
Toxic masculinity is the notion that induces a cultural concept of manliness that glorifies stoicism, strength, virility, and dominance, and that is socially maladaptive or harmful to mental health. In simple words, when boys during their early years, are not encouraged to open up and express themselves, as society believes they must appear “tough”. The problem arises when you associate toughness to bottling up your emotions. The irony being in the fact that expressing your emotions openly, is what requires an immense amount of strength. Common masculine ideals such as social respect, physical strength, and sexual potency become problematic when they set unattainable standards. Falling short can make boys and men insecure and anxious, which might prompt them to use force in order to feel, and be seen as, dominant and in control. Male violence in this scenario doesn’t emanate from something bad or toxic that has crept into the nature of masculinity itself. Rather, it comes from these men’s social and political settings, the particularities of which set them up for inner conflicts over social expectations and male entitlement.
Reducing the stigma
Prolonged periods of suppressing your emotions and not being open about your mental health can result in violence and severe aggression. There are various day-to-day examples of this that we can see around us. Cranky or irrational behavior is common in people who struggle with their mental health.
What you as an individual can do is help to create an environment that encourages self-expression for all.
Men’s mental health is a movement for all. We all have men in our lives, whether they may be brothers, fathers, friends, sons, they have very important roles to play in society. Telling men to open up and express their feelings isn’t enough. We must create an environment that is open and accommodating to everyone’s feelings; we must reassure them that however they are feeling emotionally, is not a representation of their masculinity. Being emotionally expressive is what makes a man tough. Their ability to recognise their emotions in a situation is their strength. People must be more aware of the importance of being open about how you feel, as well as being accepting of others
Society lacks an immense amount of empathy. Empathy is all we need in this world. If we treat other people as we would want to be treated. It’s as simple as that only if you’re willing to learn and educate yourself. Every single person is as deserving of love as the other. No gender is exclusive of it. Men must uplift and support each other. Women must uplift and support men and vice versa. This is how society and in turn, the world progresses; when we realise that at the end of the day, we’re all human.
Processing trauma
“The first goal of trauma recovery should and must be to improve your quality of life on a daily basis”
(Rothschild, 2010)
Trauma has no definition. If it hurt you, it’s trauma. If it scarred you, it’s trauma. If it affects your daily life in ways you can’t explain, it’s trauma. Essentially, there are two types of trauma. Big T trauma and small T trauma. However this post talks about small T trauma, which occurs when an individual remains in an environment that is emotionally and mentally abusive for them, for prolonged periods of time. Small T trauma affects your Episodic and emotional memory. Episodic memories are altered as our memories start to blur; emotional memory is controlled by the amygdala; after experiencing trauma, the amygdala can become overactive in sending fear signals even with no perceivable threat present. For anyone reading this who thinks “it’s all in your head”, it literally is, but here’s why it’s a problem.
Stage 1- Safety and Stabilization
This focuses on ensuring literal safety, and managing painful emotions, memories, body sensations, and relationships with others. Unprocessed trauma causes your body’s memory system to malfunction. This is why we tend to disassociate. Our memories are separated into fragments which your mind struggles to put together. These fragments then manifest into physical symptoms.
Processing your emotional and psychological trauma may take months, or even years; as long as you heal, there is no deadline. I feel as if the first step to processing it, is to stop avoiding it and try and learn from it. You can’t change your memory of those events, but what you can change, is the way you view those memories. What did I learn from this? Where would I be if this hadn’t happened? Am I now in a better place? Managing these emotions can be extremely difficult and could lead to self-destructive tendencies. This is where you need to open up; take your time, but have someone just listen, even if it's the bare minimum.
Stage 2- Processing
This involves telling the trauma story, reclaiming and transforming the traumatic memories so they can be positively integrated into your life story. Trauma processing in a safe and healthy environment can be life-changing. The first step to processing your trauma, is processing your thoughts. If you struggle with anxiety, it can be hard to separate the big picture from things conjured up by your subconscious mind. This is where you need to open up; talk to people. However this can be very tricky. You need to make sure you’re talking to the right people and honestly, you can feel it in your gut. Talking to the wrong people about your trauma can be destructive; they either tell you it’s not that big of a deal, or disregard your feelings entirely. Personally, this can make it even more difficult to separate your thoughts, even when you’re around people who make you feel otherwise because everything feels like a lie. If you’re in a place where you feel as if you don’t have anyone to talk to, journal. Express yourself in any way that you feel comfortable. This can be through words, art, singing, working out; anything that makes you feel like you.
Avoid exposure to prevent triggers to that particular event. It may include removing certain people from your life if their presence is tampering with your mood. Persistently putting yourself in the same situation in which you experienced trauma, activates your body’s “fight-or-flight” instinct and in most cases, trauma may not pose as much of a threat, as much as losing your identity does.
Step 3- Integration & Post Trauma Growth
This involves focusing on developing a new sense of self and creating a new future. Personally, something which has really helped me is being among people that constantly uplift you and make you a better person everyday. I understand that this is a VERY difficult place to achieve in life and that there are a ton of sacrifices to be made before you get to it. Detaching from people and places that add to your trauma is beyond necessary. 2020 has been hard on everyone in one way for the other and the essence of it, the reason why we all survived, was that we had each other. Make sure you have the right people; who understand your traumas and why you behave the way that you do in certain situations. Self-regulation is extremely important in order to heal and this is a continuous process. Trauma keeps you in a loop of your past. It makes you over extend yourself and makes you unable to break away from toxic situations.
With all this said, never forget that your struggles are very much valid, and your voice matters. Regardless of what people may think. You deserve the same opportunities in life as anyone does; don't limit yourself and allow yourself to break free from your past in order to make a future worth living for.
How to keep going
So I'm going to be very honest and open in this post. I gave up on writing my blog post on "How to make 2020 the year for you" simply because this year is absolute trash. So many bad things are happening around the world and in our lives and we feel as if we have no power in our hands to fix anything. Therefore, i decided that this post would be a better one to write.
So, how do you keep going? Even when you feel as if everything around you is shattering. The phrase that most often crops up in our mind is, "What's the point?", or, "To what end?". Here's the thing. Our thoughts are only as powerful as we let them be. The point of this post is not to have you up and running and brewing positivity at the end of it. It's to make you realise you're not alone; and hopefully, have you adapt some sort of mindset as to how you'll tackle life.
I thought I should incorporate my own personal experience, and take you guys through this in steps, as this, as are many things in life, is a process; therefore with a step-by-step approach, it is achievable.
STEP 1: MAKE A LIST OF EVERYTHING/EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU ARE GRATEFUL FOR
STEP 2: WHAT IS IT THAT FUELS AND DRIVES ME? WHAT DO I WISH TO MAKE OUT OF MYSELF; HOW WILL I GET THERE?
STEP 3: HOW DO I MAKE MYSELF STOP FEELING THIS WAY?
So I'm going to be very honest and open in this post. I gave up on writing my blog post on "How to make 2020 the year for you" simply because this year is absolute trash. So many bad things are happening around the world and in our lives and we feel as if we have no power in our hands to fix anything. Therefore, i decided that this post would be a better one to write.
So, how do you keep going? Even when you feel as if everything around you is shattering. The phrase that most often crops up in our mind is, "What's the point?", or, "To what end?". Here's the thing. Our thoughts are only as powerful as we let them be. The point of this post is not to have you up and running and brewing positivity at the end of it. It's to make you realise you're not alone; and hopefully, have you adapt some sort of mindset as to how you'll tackle life.
I thought I should incorporate my own personal experience, and take you guys through this in steps, as this, as are many things in life, is a process; therefore with a step-by-step approach, it is achievable.
STEP 1: MAKE A LIST OF EVERYTHING/EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU ARE GRATEFUL FOR
- I'd suggest you start with your family but many people I know don't have a very close relationship with their family members if this is the case, think about your teachers, or anyone in your extended family who has every been a shoulder to cry on for you.
- Moving on to friends, this is a very risky topic as most of our friends have morphed into snakes and are the very reason we feel this way. But here's the interesting thing. Often, there are people who we never really speak to; but deep down, they care for us IMMENSELY, and we have no idea! Try to identify those people in your life because I'm 100% sure this is the case.
- When it comes to things you are grateful for, think about all the bad interactions God (or if you don't believe in God, then I guess whatever your ideology of karma is?) has saved you from. All those people that turned out to be horrible people, be glad they're gone from your life and the pain and suffering is over :)
STEP 2: WHAT IS IT THAT FUELS AND DRIVES ME? WHAT DO I WISH TO MAKE OUT OF MYSELF; HOW WILL I GET THERE?
- Everyone has something they've wanted to do as a kid. Become an astronaut? (Trust me I've been there). Or be crazy rich; become an influential person; a veteran; or even if you've just wanted to make a difference in this world. DO IT. But I know it's not that easy. Nothing is. But if you want it enough. it's yours.
- How to get there is the question. First of all you need to make sure this is something you're really passionate about. Have your goals set out and work on them EVERYDAY. Trust the process. Are you taking the right classes that you should be? If not, change that. Are you in the right environment. No? Change. Change is inevitable; instead of fearing it. Embrace it.
- Wake up in the morning. Remind yourself of your purpose. let go of past negativity; you owe it to yourself.
STEP 3: HOW DO I MAKE MYSELF STOP FEELING THIS WAY?
- Everyone heals differently. Whether you need to dwell in your sorrows or cry your heart out. Do what you need to do.
- Indulge in self-care. Take care of yourself because you deserve it. Try seeing yourself through the eyes of people who love you.
- Watch your favourite movie/show. Order take-out. Go annoy your siblings. Call a friend. Work out. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.
- Start waking up early in the morning and go for a run. Spend time in nature. Learn to love life again; it's a gradual process, it will take time, and that's okay; but once you get there, trust me, you won't be able to go back.
- Keep the love alive. Among your friends, family, or whoever it may be. Make sure you appreciate the people around you because if they feel good, the positivity will radiate towards you too.
- My post on self-love is also out on this blog and I feel as if that would be helpful to take a look at for this step.